The Sex Talk
Melissa, one of our online friends from Denmark, asked in e-mail (after reading Parenting Rocks) what guidance we have given our girls as far as sex goes.
"They've reached the age where some of their peers will start having sex. What guidance have you been & will you be giving them?"
We have given them sex education all their lives when moments come up, and when the girls have asked the questions. I have never put it off until later, but told them things that were age appropriate. The older they got the more details they received including the different words associated with it. For example, when we talked about the "vagina", it has a heap of words associated with it. Some good and some not so good, but I told them all of them.
Cassie knows way more than (some people would think) she should, but this year she thanked me for that knowledge, because she saw a girl in her class who was so naive and was glad she was not. The fact is, girls will eventually know all this information both good and bad sometime in their life and I would rather it come from me where I have the control to give the complete picture rather than the kids at school giving a partial view.
I believe that most parents try to hide the stark reality from their kids to protect them. It has the opposite effect: take it from a person who was naive. I felt ostracised, dumb, awkward, pathetic and alone in that I had no idea what the other kids were talking about and I couldn't join in. I didn't want my girls to go through the same experience as I did, so I told them more than the mere basics, I feel that too much information is not a bad thing compared to the experience I had knowing nothing.
The mechanics of sex is often talked about in Sex Ed at school - which confirmed what I had already told my girls throughout their lifetime. What is not taught in school is the emotional consequences that are often associated with sex (and here I'm mainly talking with about girls, David might say more about the boys). I believe that I can't say to my girls, "no sex before marriage" what I say is "Yes, you can have sex, sex is wonderful and magical when you share it with a person who cares about you, and can have it with as many people as you like BUT there is a consequence that you have to know.
When females (I'm talking about girls here, David might say more about boys) have sex we tend to give a piece of ourselves. It's like we stitch our hearts together with our partner. If the relationship fails, it emotionally hurts like the ripping apart of the stitches and a wound is left in its place. Like external wounds, your heart wound will heal but will leave a scar. If there are multiple partners, then the heart will gain more and more scars. When person comes along that you feel is worthy of you and you wish to give him your whole hear, you can't give it as fully or purely, as it has too many scars.
This is the reason that girls should not have sex before marriage. Young ladies only end up hurting themselves and as a consequence end up hurting their (future) husband because he will have to suffer, along with you, from whatever emotional/psychological problems that has occured due to the scaring of the heart. This can place a major strain on the marriage, and a new marriage does not need this kind of strain." This is the choice that girls have to make but armed with all the information, I hope they will make good choices.
"They've reached the age where some of their peers will start having sex. What guidance have you been & will you be giving them?"
We have given them sex education all their lives when moments come up, and when the girls have asked the questions. I have never put it off until later, but told them things that were age appropriate. The older they got the more details they received including the different words associated with it. For example, when we talked about the "vagina", it has a heap of words associated with it. Some good and some not so good, but I told them all of them.
Cassie knows way more than (some people would think) she should, but this year she thanked me for that knowledge, because she saw a girl in her class who was so naive and was glad she was not. The fact is, girls will eventually know all this information both good and bad sometime in their life and I would rather it come from me where I have the control to give the complete picture rather than the kids at school giving a partial view.
I believe that most parents try to hide the stark reality from their kids to protect them. It has the opposite effect: take it from a person who was naive. I felt ostracised, dumb, awkward, pathetic and alone in that I had no idea what the other kids were talking about and I couldn't join in. I didn't want my girls to go through the same experience as I did, so I told them more than the mere basics, I feel that too much information is not a bad thing compared to the experience I had knowing nothing.
The mechanics of sex is often talked about in Sex Ed at school - which confirmed what I had already told my girls throughout their lifetime. What is not taught in school is the emotional consequences that are often associated with sex (and here I'm mainly talking with about girls, David might say more about the boys). I believe that I can't say to my girls, "no sex before marriage" what I say is "Yes, you can have sex, sex is wonderful and magical when you share it with a person who cares about you, and can have it with as many people as you like BUT there is a consequence that you have to know.
When females (I'm talking about girls here, David might say more about boys) have sex we tend to give a piece of ourselves. It's like we stitch our hearts together with our partner. If the relationship fails, it emotionally hurts like the ripping apart of the stitches and a wound is left in its place. Like external wounds, your heart wound will heal but will leave a scar. If there are multiple partners, then the heart will gain more and more scars. When person comes along that you feel is worthy of you and you wish to give him your whole hear, you can't give it as fully or purely, as it has too many scars.
This is the reason that girls should not have sex before marriage. Young ladies only end up hurting themselves and as a consequence end up hurting their (future) husband because he will have to suffer, along with you, from whatever emotional/psychological problems that has occured due to the scaring of the heart. This can place a major strain on the marriage, and a new marriage does not need this kind of strain." This is the choice that girls have to make but armed with all the information, I hope they will make good choices.
posted by SuZe at 9:50 AM
3 Comments:
That seems like a very good way of sharing this information. It is honest and open. Great post.
So, I have to admit that, when Melissa first asked the question, my reaction was to run around in circles for a while with my hands over my ears going "I can't hear you, I can't hear you"! Of course, she's right though: some stats say a quarter of 14 year olds are sexually active, which is terrifying to me.
As Suzie said, we've always thought openness was a much better policy than silence, and the kids are well informed about all facets of sex and relationships. We've never had to sit down and have that stressful, embarrassing 'Birds and the bees talk' with them, because it's just been something that naturally evolved as their curiosity did.
From a Dad's perspective, I think it's also important to hug your daughters, speak kindly to them, be affectionate, spend time with them - it makes them a lot less vulnerable to seeking affection from other boys or men, who don't have their best interests at heart. They know they're beautiful, smart and valued, and that they have great futures in front of them. They also know that, if they did come home and tell us they were pregnant, we'd still love them very much...
Thanks Bravus and Suze!
In general it seems like you have taken a very sensible approach.
Perhaps a little bit too ultimate on the scarring bit for my taste, but all in all, it sounds like you're both doing a very good job, and that your daughters are getting a healthy attitude to sex.
Fast forward two years and think what you would say if one of your daughters calls home to ask if she can sleep over at her boyfriend's house (whose parents allow it).
You don't have to answer that - got to leave some surprises for your daughters. :)
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