Parenting Rocks

SPAM - I did it

2009-01-11T21:40:00.000-08:00

Trying to get Suzie's new business site indexed by Google, so I'm putting the URL everywhere I can.

If you're looking for computer training in Brisbane, check out: http://www.geelantraining.com

Hiatus

2005-08-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well, apologies to anyone who has been checking in regularly. I (David) haven't managed to get Cassie and Alex to post, and Suzie has been insanely busy teaching (at NorQuest College), learning (at the University of Alberta and working (at All Weather Windows) to have time to think, let alone write those thoughts in the blog. I've been kept busy with travel (to California, the UK and Washington DC) and job interviews (see the Bravus blog, linked at the right) and with writing the Bravus blog to work on this one.

I think Parenting Rocks is going to have to go on a short break until maybe the end of September, when Suzie's program settles down again. Sorry, and we'll announce its reactivation in the usual venues...

Placeholder

2005-07-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Cassie and Alex will be writing this week's post, but they're so busy relaxing on summer holidays that they're running a little late...

In Our Family...

2005-07-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

A lot of what we've learned about parenting - and a lot of what our girls have learned about relationships, marriage and parenting - has come from 'people watching'. Nothing too intrusive or obvious, but we all enjoy seeing what people around us are doing, and will often chat later about what we've observed. (So, those of you who know us personally: feeling a bit self-conscious about now? Relax, we usually people-watch strangers!)

It was something that we started even before we had children of our own: seeing the 4 year old throw a screaming tantrum in the shopping centre and just talking about "What will we do when...?" Sue often says that 'we had had teenagers before any of the kids were born', meaning that by talking, dreaming, planning and imagining we'd already thought through a lot of the situations we might face. It also allowed us to explore the similarities and differences of our own value systems, stemming from both our thinking before we met and our own upbringing, so that we didn't end up in conflict 'in the moment' of having to discipline a child.

Of course, life is always more rich, complex and amazing than we can imagine - we certainly don't mean that this kind of thinking meant there were no surprises. But what it did mean was that we had thought about the key underlying values for parenting, and that allowed us to respond flexibly in particular situations, but out of a principled base.

Here's one example: how much would someone have to pay you to scream at your child and reduce him or her to tears? There's not enough money, right? And yet, how many parents will scream at a child who accidentally (or even purposely) breaks a plate or something, worth just a couple of dollars? What's most important, the kid or the plate? Doesn't mean there's no punishment to be meted out, or restitution to be made, if the child breaks something maliciously or carelessly, but our kids have grown up with the expectation that, if there's a sudden 'crash!' in the house, the first response from both parents is always 'Are you OK?' They're supported and reassured - hey, they already feel bad - and only later are consequences applied, if necessary.

That's just an example, and there are lots more, but I think you get the point. Other things the kids have seen are neighbours who drank way too much, way too often. They heard a lot of words we'd prefer they hadn't in the process, but they also saw that (a) these are good-hearted, kind, generous guys who love their wives and kids but (b) their drinking has significant costs for them and their families in all sorts of ways. We could have kept the girls inside and insulated them from all that, but now through observing and discussing with us, they understand in a deep way the costs of binge drinking, which will hopefully be some protection for them.

Of course, this kind of people-watching and discussion could easily degenerate into judgement of those around us: look at what they're doing wrong. We've worked very hard to avoid that - the girls know that people make their own choices for their own reasons, and those reasons seem valid to them. That's where the title of this update comes from: "In our family, we choose to do it this way".

More than that, the issue discussed in last Monday's update is relevant as well: "We choose to do it this way, for these reasons". Rather than just thinking that other people are wrong or bad, the girls understand that often they either (a) have chosen different values and beliefs to base their actions on or (b) they have just not thought through the consequences of their values (like the broken plate example above).

So, although it might seem a bit intrusive, we think there's a lot of value for couples at all stages - dating, childless married and parenting (and even before they become couples) - in 'people-watching', and in discussing what they'd do, and the reasons why.

Reasons and Moral Reasoning

2005-07-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

Something we've tried to do with our kids since birth, or at least since they started to be old enough to understand words, is to explain the reasons why they should or shouldn't do certain things. In some cases it's simple — "If you poke this fork into this power socket you could get a shock" — but in other cases it's more complicated — "if you say 'please' and 'thank you' you're being considerate to people and making society work better".

We got this idea from a parenting course we took based on Gary Ezzo's ideas. We don't agree with Ezzo in all points, and know some of his prescriptions are controversial, but the idea of explaining our own reasoning — for both the things we ask the kids to do and for our own actions — just made sense to us.

If you control the child's behaviour through authoritarianism and rigid rules, then when you're not around all the child has as a moral compass is fear and the memory of the rules. That will tend to result in a person who either rejects the rules or remains stuck within them - neither is a fully developed human being, capable of original moral choices based in principle.

We do believe people are almost infinitely resilient and changeable, though — just because you were parented that way doesn't doom you, it just means you might have more work to do in developing your own framework later.

On the other hand, if you're able to clearly explain the reasons behind your own actions (and that means you need to be consistent in your own actions with the same principles you apply to the child — though perfection is not required), the deep moral principles from which those actions are derived, and the process of moral reasoning by which you arrived at particular courses of action, you're equipping the child with the tools s/he will need.

So, as one example, the reason why children shouldn't run in the shopping mall is not because they might embarrass their parents, or because it's not allowed, but because they might crash into an older person and hurt them, or hit someone who's carrying something fragile, or just annoy the other shoppers. The simple issue of running is an example of the much deeper principle of consideration and thinking about potential consequences of our actions for others.

We also found reasonably often that we couldn't articulate a principled reason for something we asked the kids to do. In that case, maybe we were being arbitrary ("because I'm the Dad and I said so!"), and it was valuable to think about whether that was something we really wanted to insist on, or whether maybe we needed to think again.

Principles tend to be caught more than taught anyway: using this kind of explicit parenting while personally enacting different values in your own life won't work. But thinking about the underlying principles, and articulating those for your kids, is a great way of helping them grow into autonomous moral thinkers.

The Sex Talk

2005-07-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

Melissa, one of our online friends from Denmark, asked in e-mail (after reading Parenting Rocks) what guidance we have given our girls as far as sex goes.

"They've reached the age where some of their peers will start having sex. What guidance have you been & will you be giving them?"

We have given them sex education all their lives when moments come up, and when the girls have asked the questions. I have never put it off until later, but told them things that were age appropriate. The older they got the more details they received including the different words associated with it. For example, when we talked about the "vagina", it has a heap of words associated with it. Some good and some not so good, but I told them all of them.

Cassie knows way more than (some people would think) she should, but this year she thanked me for that knowledge, because she saw a girl in her class who was so naive and was glad she was not. The fact is, girls will eventually know all this information both good and bad sometime in their life and I would rather it come from me where I have the control to give the complete picture rather than the kids at school giving a partial view.

I believe that most parents try to hide the stark reality from their kids to protect them. It has the opposite effect: take it from a person who was naive. I felt ostracised, dumb, awkward, pathetic and alone in that I had no idea what the other kids were talking about and I couldn't join in. I didn't want my girls to go through the same experience as I did, so I told them more than the mere basics, I feel that too much information is not a bad thing compared to the experience I had knowing nothing.

The mechanics of sex is often talked about in Sex Ed at school - which confirmed what I had already told my girls throughout their lifetime. What is not taught in school is the emotional consequences that are often associated with sex (and here I'm mainly talking with about girls, David might say more about the boys). I believe that I can't say to my girls, "no sex before marriage" what I say is "Yes, you can have sex, sex is wonderful and magical when you share it with a person who cares about you, and can have it with as many people as you like BUT there is a consequence that you have to know.

When females (I'm talking about girls here, David might say more about boys) have sex we tend to give a piece of ourselves. It's like we stitch our hearts together with our partner. If the relationship fails, it emotionally hurts like the ripping apart of the stitches and a wound is left in its place. Like external wounds, your heart wound will heal but will leave a scar. If there are multiple partners, then the heart will gain more and more scars. When person comes along that you feel is worthy of you and you wish to give him your whole hear, you can't give it as fully or purely, as it has too many scars.

This is the reason that girls should not have sex before marriage. Young ladies only end up hurting themselves and as a consequence end up hurting their (future) husband because he will have to suffer, along with you, from whatever emotional/psychological problems that has occured due to the scaring of the heart. This can place a major strain on the marriage, and a new marriage does not need this kind of strain." This is the choice that girls have to make but armed with all the information, I hope they will make good choices.

Noun-Verb or Verb-Noun

2005-06-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

So, about a dozen people have so far pointed out the ambiguity of our title! Yes, you could read it as being about parenting lumps of rock, if you wanted to... ;) Our intention, of course, was to talk about how much fun parenting is - how much it 'rocks', as the young folks say these days {/grandpa...} We knew the pun existed: hopefully what it will do is make the title stick in your mind with its rich double meanings so you'll remember to come back... And sometimes kids do seem as durable and as difficult to change as rocks!

The Foundation of Parenting

2005-06-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to ‘Parenting Rocks’. In coming to this blog, we imagine that you are searching for information that will make parenting or relationships easier. Maybe you are looking for a magic cure that, when you apply it, everything will turn out perfectly.

I’m here to tell you that there is no magic cure, but it isn’t as hard as some professionals might say. It is a journey taken one step at time. With some planning it can be the best fun you will have in your life. You might say “Why should we listen to you? What makes your information as good as what we hear from the professionals?”

Because the principles that we will share, work. The proof is that David and I, in November of 2005, will celebrate 18 years of marriage. You might say “So? I know others with marriages longer than that”. Ah, but our marriage consists of more than two people co-habitating together with the occasional sex on the side.Our marriage is deeper and more meaningful (because we have more history together), but it’s more similar to young courting couples than to some other ‘old married couples’.

Cast your mind back, for a moment, to your courting days when love was new. You stole hugs and kisses when you could. You talked for hours on any topic. Remember how it felt to have someone love you and belong to you? This is how our marriage is today, 18 years later. We still steal kisses and hugs when the children are not looking, or hug in the elevator. We walk past each other at home and pinch one another’s butt. In other words, we sensually play throughout the day. There is not one day that goes by when we don’t talk on the phone at least once. This is our credibility, this is why we believe that we have something to offer to anyone who wants a joyful, intimate marriage and the kind of parenting that we are enjoying.

Try cuddling while watching TV (or better still, turn it off and just cuddle) - anything and anywhere you can delicately touch each other helps build your connection. This tells your partner that you want them, that you enjoy their company and that they make you feel good. I dare you to try it and see the response. Start slowly if you’re not used to it, but START.

I have heard often the comment that the spark has gone out of someone’s marriage. My suggestion for bringing back the spark is to “play” by touching one another all day outside the bedroom and see what happens to your marriage. I believe having fun together is the answer to regaining the spark. Try it, you may be very surprised.

Introductions

2005-05-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

We're Sue and David Geelan. We've been married for just over 17 years, and our daughters Cassandra (Cassie) and Alexandra (Alex) (that's them below) are 14 and 11. David teaches teachers at the University of Alberta, and Sue teaches at NorQuest College. We're Australians living in Canada - we've been here for 4 years now.

Welcome to 'Parenting Rocks'. We hope it'll end up being useful for you, whatever stage of your life you're at. Whether you're newlyweds contemplating having children, have toddlers, have teenagers (like us) or even if you're just still processing your own childhood, we hope there'll be something here that's meaningful for you.