In Our Family...
A lot of what we've learned about parenting - and a lot of what our girls have learned about relationships, marriage and parenting - has come from 'people watching'. Nothing too intrusive or obvious, but we all enjoy seeing what people around us are doing, and will often chat later about what we've observed. (So, those of you who know us personally: feeling a bit self-conscious about now? Relax, we usually people-watch strangers!)
It was something that we started even before we had children of our own: seeing the 4 year old throw a screaming tantrum in the shopping centre and just talking about "What will we do when...?" Sue often says that 'we had had teenagers before any of the kids were born', meaning that by talking, dreaming, planning and imagining we'd already thought through a lot of the situations we might face. It also allowed us to explore the similarities and differences of our own value systems, stemming from both our thinking before we met and our own upbringing, so that we didn't end up in conflict 'in the moment' of having to discipline a child.
Of course, life is always more rich, complex and amazing than we can imagine - we certainly don't mean that this kind of thinking meant there were no surprises. But what it did mean was that we had thought about the key underlying values for parenting, and that allowed us to respond flexibly in particular situations, but out of a principled base.
Here's one example: how much would someone have to pay you to scream at your child and reduce him or her to tears? There's not enough money, right? And yet, how many parents will scream at a child who accidentally (or even purposely) breaks a plate or something, worth just a couple of dollars? What's most important, the kid or the plate? Doesn't mean there's no punishment to be meted out, or restitution to be made, if the child breaks something maliciously or carelessly, but our kids have grown up with the expectation that, if there's a sudden 'crash!' in the house, the first response from both parents is always 'Are you OK?' They're supported and reassured - hey, they already feel bad - and only later are consequences applied, if necessary.
That's just an example, and there are lots more, but I think you get the point. Other things the kids have seen are neighbours who drank way too much, way too often. They heard a lot of words we'd prefer they hadn't in the process, but they also saw that (a) these are good-hearted, kind, generous guys who love their wives and kids but (b) their drinking has significant costs for them and their families in all sorts of ways. We could have kept the girls inside and insulated them from all that, but now through observing and discussing with us, they understand in a deep way the costs of binge drinking, which will hopefully be some protection for them.
Of course, this kind of people-watching and discussion could easily degenerate into judgement of those around us: look at what they're doing wrong. We've worked very hard to avoid that - the girls know that people make their own choices for their own reasons, and those reasons seem valid to them. That's where the title of this update comes from: "In our family, we choose to do it this way".
More than that, the issue discussed in last Monday's update is relevant as well: "We choose to do it this way, for these reasons". Rather than just thinking that other people are wrong or bad, the girls understand that often they either (a) have chosen different values and beliefs to base their actions on or (b) they have just not thought through the consequences of their values (like the broken plate example above).
So, although it might seem a bit intrusive, we think there's a lot of value for couples at all stages - dating, childless married and parenting (and even before they become couples) - in 'people-watching', and in discussing what they'd do, and the reasons why.
It was something that we started even before we had children of our own: seeing the 4 year old throw a screaming tantrum in the shopping centre and just talking about "What will we do when...?" Sue often says that 'we had had teenagers before any of the kids were born', meaning that by talking, dreaming, planning and imagining we'd already thought through a lot of the situations we might face. It also allowed us to explore the similarities and differences of our own value systems, stemming from both our thinking before we met and our own upbringing, so that we didn't end up in conflict 'in the moment' of having to discipline a child.
Of course, life is always more rich, complex and amazing than we can imagine - we certainly don't mean that this kind of thinking meant there were no surprises. But what it did mean was that we had thought about the key underlying values for parenting, and that allowed us to respond flexibly in particular situations, but out of a principled base.
Here's one example: how much would someone have to pay you to scream at your child and reduce him or her to tears? There's not enough money, right? And yet, how many parents will scream at a child who accidentally (or even purposely) breaks a plate or something, worth just a couple of dollars? What's most important, the kid or the plate? Doesn't mean there's no punishment to be meted out, or restitution to be made, if the child breaks something maliciously or carelessly, but our kids have grown up with the expectation that, if there's a sudden 'crash!' in the house, the first response from both parents is always 'Are you OK?' They're supported and reassured - hey, they already feel bad - and only later are consequences applied, if necessary.
That's just an example, and there are lots more, but I think you get the point. Other things the kids have seen are neighbours who drank way too much, way too often. They heard a lot of words we'd prefer they hadn't in the process, but they also saw that (a) these are good-hearted, kind, generous guys who love their wives and kids but (b) their drinking has significant costs for them and their families in all sorts of ways. We could have kept the girls inside and insulated them from all that, but now through observing and discussing with us, they understand in a deep way the costs of binge drinking, which will hopefully be some protection for them.
Of course, this kind of people-watching and discussion could easily degenerate into judgement of those around us: look at what they're doing wrong. We've worked very hard to avoid that - the girls know that people make their own choices for their own reasons, and those reasons seem valid to them. That's where the title of this update comes from: "In our family, we choose to do it this way".
More than that, the issue discussed in last Monday's update is relevant as well: "We choose to do it this way, for these reasons". Rather than just thinking that other people are wrong or bad, the girls understand that often they either (a) have chosen different values and beliefs to base their actions on or (b) they have just not thought through the consequences of their values (like the broken plate example above).
So, although it might seem a bit intrusive, we think there's a lot of value for couples at all stages - dating, childless married and parenting (and even before they become couples) - in 'people-watching', and in discussing what they'd do, and the reasons why.
posted by Bravus at 7:16 AM
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